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The Good Fight

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My Toto is gone.  10+ months he fought hemangiosarcoma, and today he lost the fight.  My heart is broken.  Completely broken.  I don’t know what to do.

The past week or so has been rough for Toto.  It got to the point where I wished he would just pass away in his sleep.  It got so hard to see him so sick.  Toto got to the point where he was pretty unresponsive.  His abdomen was terribly swollen.  His gums and tongue were pure white.  Today I took him out in the yard and he just collapsed.  His breathing was heavy.  I kept saying to my husband, “I don’t know what to do with Toto.”  Finally he said, “I think you do know.”  We were going to wait until tomorrow to do anything, especially because we have friends visiting and staying at our house.  But when I saw how Toto was this morning, I knew we had to bring him to the vet.

When the vet saw him he said it wasn’t good.  He said the cancer had clearly spread to his organs, probably liver and spleen.  Also, because his gums were so pale, it looked like he was bleeding internally.  He said it didn’t look like he had much time left.  But, I said that he had looked like that for awhile.  I just think he wouldn’t let go.  Our vet said that if we had any doubts we were doing the right thing, he didn’t.  It was time. 

I sat in a rocking chair and held Toto in my arms like a baby, like I have done so many times.  It was only seconds and he was gone.  Gone.  I cried so much that my head felt like it was going to explode and I was sure I was going to puke.  We stopped and got a Coke to try and settle my stomach.  Then we had to go home and get ready because we were having a bbq at our house.  Seriously.  It was the worse timing ever.  The last thing in the world I wanted to do was to smile and talk to people and pretend that I was ok.  I kept it together.  Once everyone left I went to my room and fell apart.  Going to bed without Toto next to me was horrible.  I just kept sobbing and saying, “I want my baby back.”  Finally I just gave up and went downstairs.  I can’t sleep tonight.

 I want to write some beautiful, poetic tribute to Toto.  But, right now, all I think about is how much my heart hurts.  Toto was the best.  I don’t know what I am going to do without him.  I miss him so much.

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21 Responses to “The Good Fight”

  1.   majorbubbatank Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your sweet Toto. He fought long and hard and was lucky to have such a loving home. My thoughts and prayers are with you in this horrible time.

    Rachel (Major’s mom)

  2.   dsimas Says:

    OMG, my heart goes out to you! Toto was a fresh amputee and an inspiration when Raven was diagnosed. And since he had liver mets, we thought it was HS for a while, but Toto was showing us that it could be dealt with.

    I am amazed at your strength. You did the most selfless act by going through with helping Toto over the bridge a day early and before your BBQ. Now you need to focus on you. Lick your own wounds for a while. Just know that the grief is for yourself and the empty place in your life. Toto is in a better place, free of pain and suffering.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you in this terrible adjustment. I give you a virtual hug across cyberspace!


  3.   etgayle Says:

    we are so sorry to hear of toto’s passing. words don’t begin to sooth the pain or fill the hole in your heart. he loved you unconditionally, and is now still with you, just in another form. you will feel him and know he wants to help you will take time, alot of time. blessings to you during this time – remember that love never ends.

    charon & gayle

  4.   Mackenzie's Mom Says:

    Oh I am so sad to hear about Toto. I know how much you loved him and he loved you. I also know how much your heart is breaking right now but just take comfort in knowing that Toto is in your heart and will be forever. I’m sure he’s looking down at you now letting you know that he’s ok.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. So sorry for your loss.
    Kami & Mackenzie

  5.   Gale Biggerstaff Says:

    My heart goes out to you….Love ya

  6.   jack crowder Says:

    We are so sorry to hear that Toto has left us.

    He was a very brave dog who fought with everything he had. Please remember he will never leave you. Thank you for loving him enough to let him go when he was ready.

    I’m thinking about what a grand time he is having with all the rest of his brother and sister tripawds. They are all running amuk and having a wonderful cancer free time on the other side of the bridge.

    We wish you peace and healing.

    The chauffeur

  7.   Codie Rae Says:

    We are so, so sorry that you have lost Toto. He fought a valiant fight against the evil HS. It is so hard to let go but it is the ultimate gift we can give our beloved friends when they are suffering so.
    Toto is running free over the rainbow, with the bluebirds and all our Tripawd Heroes that have gone before him. We will always remember Toto as a courageous bright spirit.
    You and Spirit Toto are in our thoughts and in our hearts,
    the Oaktown Pack
    Martha, Ralph, Codie Rae, Travis Ray, and Smokey B.

  8.   GerrysMom Says:

    So sorry that your baby had such a short time with you. Give yourself the time and space you need to grieve now that you can. More thoughts and prayers are coming your way.

  9.   jerry Says:

    Our hearts ache for you, we are so sorry that Toto’s time came. Saying goodbye is horribly painful, and words seem so meaningless at a time like this. So for now, we just want you to know that the Tripawds community mourns your loss, and our Spirit Tripawds welcomes sweet Toto with open arms.

    Take things one day at a time. You will get through this. It may take a while but Toto will make sure that you continue cherishing life as he did.

    If you want to talk at all, come see us in the Coping with Loss Discussion Forum OK? Lots of us completely understand the depth of this kind of heartache.

    Many, Many hugs coming your way.

  10.   admin Says:

    “A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others” — The Wizard of Oz

    Toto must have had a huge heart. Peace.

  11.   Dog Rescue Mom Says:

    I am very sorry for your loss. Toto truely was a part of your family. I know the sorrow you are experiencing. Toto was fortunate to have such a loving family to call his own.

    My prayers are with you.

  12.   jakesmom Says:

    OMG! I’m so sorry to hear about Toto!!! 🙁 I’m crying as I write this…

    Although I never met your Toto in person… but I feel a close connection to you… Maybe it’s because you reached out to me and Jake… and sent him that generous gift… which he got to enjoy for several weeks before he lost his battle…

    I know how much you loved Toto… He was definitely such a very lucky dog to have you as his mommy… I’m so sorry that he lost his battle… I know how devastated you must be feeling right now… 🙁 I don’t know what else to say to make you feel better… just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers… I’m sending you a big loving hug!!

    Rest in peace sweet Toto… and say hello to my Jake for me!!!

    Angel Jake’s Mom

  13.   Tazzie Says:

    Toto has done so amazingly well this year. Exceeding all the expectations the doctors and anyone else had. He has definitely been a tripawd star this year – I always loved to read about Toto. I have never really thought twice about little dogs, but Toto was the first little tripawd I “met” to change that.

    So I was very sad to see this news. I can only imagine how horrible it was to lose Toto and then have to get things together for a bbq. Yuck. It is time to focus on yourself and your own feelings. We understand and will be thinking of you and Toto.

    If you don’t mind, I will post a link to your blog on the coping with loss forum. Many people know and love Toto and will want to be aware of this.

    Susan of Tazzie

  14.   anyemery Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about Toto. He was such an inspiration to us as we’ve walked this road with Holly. My heart is aching for you right now. We’re sending lots of hugs your way…

  15.   cometdog Says:

    My heart breaks for you because of your deep love for Toto. You did the right thing in letting him go. I’m sorry the timing was awful, but really is there ever a good time?
    Today we all mourn your terrible loss. Toto will not be forgotten as he inspired so many.
    My deepest condolences.

  16.   hugapitbull Says:

    Another hero gains his wings. I am so sorry for your loss. May your memories bring you peace.

  17.   Pat (Ruthie's Mom) Says:

    I’m sorry, so very sorry to hear about Toto. I know how your heart aches.
    Gods Speed Toto. You’re in good company at The Bridge.

  18.   Carmen (Catie's Mom) Says:

    Oh I am SOOOO sorry to hear about Toto. Letting go is so hard for those left behind but it was the right and loving thing you did for him.

    My deepest condolences.

    Carmen, Catie and Riley

  19.   ldillon81 Says:

    I believe that what you have written is already a beautiful poetic tribute to Toto. A mere epilogue in the story of his life with you, made raw and true by the sadness with which it was written. A more honest depiction of the end of visible life I have never read. Thank you for sharing this post, and thank you for sharing Toto…he was pure joy, and a lovely little ball of fur. My thoughts are with you.

    <3 Laura

  20.   Tana Says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Take the time to grieve, and I pray you will find peace knowing that you loved him enough to help him go to the Bridge when his time came.
    Tana and Sophie

  21.   maggie Says:

    I am so sorry for your loss of Toto. As others have said, letting go is the hardest part of all of this…you did the right thing for your boy. Hugs to you in the passing days…

    Tracy, Maggie’s Mom

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