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We finally made it.  We are in our new house and starting to settle.  Toto seemed to be adjusting well to our new home for awhile and then he took a turn for the worse.  As I wrote about in my last post, there have been a lot of ups and downs.  So, I have been trying to take it all in stride.  But, Thursday, it seemed like it was more than just a “down.”  Wednesday night I got home from my son’s preschool program in the evening.  I brought the dogs outside.  Toto went to the bathroom and then came inside.  He was standing in a kind of strange way and I looked at him and he just collapsed.  I looked at his gums and they were white.  I tried to make Toto comfortable for the night and hoped he would seem better in the morning. 

Thursday was not better.  Toto has been sleeping next to meet every night in a little sofa/bed for the kids.  It has three of the Disney princesses on it so my son calls it the “Three Ladies Bed.”  Well, in the morning I took Toto out of the Three Ladies Bed and brought him outside.  Again, he went to the bathroom, but then collapsed.  Inside he found his favorite spot behind a chair and slept for most of the day.  His gums were still very pale.  When I would talk to him he wasn’t very responsive.  I talked to my mom.  I talked to the vet.  Everyone said the same thing…  Toto has put up a good fight, and if he is in pain, we should think about letting him go. 

I have had dogs all of my life, but this is the first time that this is my dog.  This is my decision.  It is the worst decision ever.  The most painful decision ever.  How do I know when it is his time?  How do I know when he is uncomfortable or in pain?  He puts on such a brave face.  In the time since I learned Toto has cancer, I have had time to get used to the idea he is not going to be around forever.   You can never really get used to the idea, but it does help a little.  But, especially lately, I have also gotten used to having Toto around me all the time…  sitting on my lap, out in the yard, sleeping beside me…  I don’t know what I will do when he is gone.


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8 Responses to “Home”

  1.   etgayle Says:

    bless your heart!! this is the hardest thing in the world, wish none of us had to be in this situation. sending pawsitive thoughts and blessings your way.

    gayle & charon

  2.   Carmen (Catie's Mom) Says:

    Letting go is so so so hard.

    Sending many, many hugs.

    Carmen, Catie and Riley

  3.   jakesmom Says:

    OMG! I’m so sorry sweetie!! 🙁

    Toto has put up such a brave and long battle… and now it sounds like his little body has finally had enough. I know how hard a decision this is… It is never easy to let you sweet baby go… but it is the most humane and loving thing you can do for him in the end…

    My heart goes out to you and your family… I know how much you love Toto… and he knows it too! You have been an awesome mom to Toto…

    You are in my thoughts and prayers during this very sad and difficult time…

    Sending you a big loving hug!!!

    Angel Jake’s Mom

  4.   jack crowder Says:

    What a brave boyToto is, it is a very tough decision but he will let know when it’s time.

    Sending hugs and compassion to you and your family.

    the chauffeur

  5.   jerry Says:

    Oh sweetie, many, many hugs to you, we’re so sorry. My pawrents know what you mean. They had to make that decision for me. They wrote about it here. It’s hard to read (and Mom cries whenever she does), but I hope this helps somewhat for you to see the kind of emotions they experienced.

    You ask, how does one know? Well, I think that when a human gets to the point of having to ask this heartbreaking question, it’s probably already time. The mind knows before the heart is willing to accept the inevitable. But if you want to look at it another way, there are hard questions you can ask to really be sure. Here’s a good resource that can help you answer these questions.

    Our hearts go out to you. We send our love and remember if you want to talk in the forums, there are lots of great people there who can share their own experiences.

    xoxo

  6.   anyemery Says:

    We’re sending lots of hugs to you and Toto and your family. This is so hard, and we’re all here for you.
    Hugs,
    Holly and Holly’s mom

  7.   Mackenzie's Mom Says:

    My heart goes out to you….this is one of the most difficult and heartbreaking decisions to make. It’s obvious how much love you have for Toto and how much love he has for you. Please take comfort in knowing that. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Kami

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